The Name of the Game
by lilkyonkyon
Summary: "But you left me for DEAD!" The twins and their online gaming adventure during a rainy weekend. You know you want to read it. Crack!fic. Oneshot.


I know this story is ridiculous, but I couldn't help it. I hope you enjoy the crazy.

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**The Name of the Game**

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"What do you want to play today?"

"Dunno."

The twins shuffled through the piles of cases disinterestedly. It was raining outside, just as it had been for the past three days, and they were more bored than usual. They had already worn out every other pass-time, so they had come to the video game room for a change of scenery.

"_Little Big Planet_?"

"Maybe later. How about _Halo_?"

"We just played that yesterday."

"_Portal 2_?"

"We've beaten co-op so many times, it takes us less than an hour." Kaoru's hand suddenly stopped on a case. He lifted it with a quirked eyebrow. "How about this? Online, with whoever else is willing to play?"

Their smiles, as always, matched eerily well.

Their Xboxes were linked immediately—the pair of them having their own flat-screens and consoles for full enjoyment—and they searched for active friends.

"Tono's on, but he doesn't play…."

"I wish Haruhi had an Xbox."

Then, the clicking ceased. They'd found someone to play with after all—Pres1A. They attached their headsets and contacted him.

"Kazukiyo," they sang together over the line. "Come play with us!"

"Oh! Hello? Hello? Is this thing working?"

"Yes."

"Hello?"

"Yes, you idiot, it's on!" They sucked in a breath and said together, "Do you have _Left 4 Dead_?"

There was shuffling over the line, punctuated by a strange 'meep' sound and clattering. Then, "S-s-sure, it's right here. My brother has one and two."

"Play the second with us," said Hikaru.

"I, uh, heh heh… I don't know how to play…."

"It's a team game," said Kaoru. "We play together the whole time."

"I dunno…. I, uh, don't you want to play something else? _Viva Piñata_?"

"Kazukiyo, are you scared?" they said together, wicked delight in their voices.

The boy's embarrassment was tangible through the line. "Fine, let's do it!" he said, gulping audibly.

"Put in the game!" they chanted together. They walked him through the opening screens, and soon, the three of them were on the rooftop of No Mercy, showing him the basic controls. When he seemed to have a grasp of the movements, they headed towards the ammunition table. "Now grab the gun you want like we taught you."

At once, a crashing sound interrupted their routine. They could hear Kazukiyo screaming over the line, and shots were ringing off ceaselessly. Kaoru and Hikaru turned and found the glass to the skylight broken, revealing a glimpse of one of the lower bedrooms.

"Ug. So much for easy." They immediately jumped through. To their right, one lone zombie was slapping Kazukiyo as he spun in a circle, firing his pistol at the ceiling. "HOW DO YOU DO THIS?! I CAN'T SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING!"

Hikaru shot the zombie dead with one pull of the trigger.

"If you're going to play like this, you're a liability," he said without tones.

"I-I'll do better! I was just"—he gulped—"I was just caught off-guard is all! Hahahaha…."

Kaoru and Hikaru both shrugged. "Let's get going, then."

"Wait!"

"What?"

"Er, uh… can't we just stay in here?!"

They shouted a "come on!" and ran ahead into the apartment complex. Besides a few stray zombies, it wasn't much of a problem to get to the street level. Although it would have been easier if Kazukiyo didn't blunder into their line of fire half the time, screaming and half-sobbing. The AI was following him like it was his job, and Bill was dead before they made it to the main street.

"We already told you, just stay right behind us!" Kaoru groused.

"It's hard to protect you when you're constantly running into trouble!" Hikaru added.

"YOU TWO HAVE LEFT ME BEHIND MORE THAN I CAN COUNT ALREADY! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE YOU ARE _NOW_!"

"Have you read the title of the game?" they intoned. Then they glanced behind them and saw that Pres1A was just a speck in the distance, slowly being choked by a smoker. "We're not coming to get you," they added. "It's too far. You'll respawn in the safe room."

"YOU BASTARDS!" A pause. "AAAAAUGH! _NOW_ WHAT'S HAPPENING?!"

It appeared that a spitter had gotten him with a patch of acid.

The twins closed the safe room door and healed while they waited for him to die. "Level complete!" they cheered over Kazukiyo's groan of despair.

"I don't think I want to play anymore…."

"Don't quit now! There are only four more levels."

He moaned again and was silent. Stats flashed on the screen while they waited. Of course, Hikaru and Kaoru were at the top of every category. "Look, you killed two," Kaoru told Kazukiyo cheerfully, attempting to be kind. The boy whimpered on the other end of the line.

The scene then opened on the safe room. Pres1A meandered over to the ammo and health kits. "Okay… okay, I have 50 health. Should I heal, do you think? And which gun should I pick up? …Guys?"

"Speed run!" The pair had already reloaded their weapons and scrambled out of the safe room before Kazukiyo could even remember how to pull out his health kit.

"Hey, WAIT FOR ME!"

Hikaru and Kaoru had just disappeared down the staircase, taking out the zombies that chased after them. They heard Pres1A blundering along, but by the sounds of his snivels, he was doing much better than before.

"Pipe bombs!"

"Kazukiyo, grab one."

"What is it?"

"Well, it's a bomb that attracts zombies with its noise, so they run to the bomb instead of to you." Then they said, "Hunter."

"Hunter? What's — YAAAAAAAAHHH!"

NotHikaru shoved it off of Pres1A's prone body, but before he could shoot it, the special leapt at him instead, taking him to the ground. Pres1A was running in circles around him, begging for directions. Kaoru shouted, "Hikaru!"

"Kaoru, no!" On-screen, Francis leapt into action, punting the hunter off in one smooth motion before emptying two pistol clips into the zombie's body. It yelped as it crumpled. "Kaoru, are you hurt?" NotKaoru slowly helped NotHikaru to his feet.

"I'm fine, brother… as long as you're protecting me…." His (fake) tears were evident in his voice.

"Kaoru, I'm so glad you're okay!" Kazukiyo interrupted, his (real) tears also obvious. "I promise I will play better to help you both!"

"Thanks," they both replied sarcastically. Then they disappeared down the subway tunnel, once again leaving only Bill to defend the hapless Kazukiyo. They both, of course, were dead by the time the twins made it to the next safe room.

"I think I'm getting better!" he said, half-wistfully. "I remembered how to pick up a gun!"

"Congratulations."

The scene opened again. Kazukiyo grabbed himself an M-16 and followed the twins out of the safe room, ready to take on anything with his new-found skills. They made quick work of the common as they push forward. Kazukiyo even managed to kill one without being saved by Bill. "Hey, did you guys see that?!"

"See what?" Suddenly, their screens began to rumble, and melodramatic music played over the speakers. "Taaank," the twins blandly stated.

It sounded as if the class president was beginning to cry on the other end of the line. The monster burst out from behind a truck and he shrieked as if it had burst into his own home. It was on him in an instant. Pres1A was thrown ahead like a ragdoll, and the tank lumbered after him, alternately punching and pursuing him as he hobbled around the map screaming.

In the meantime, the twins had already been firing at the hulking mass. "Thanks for distracting it!" Hikaru sang as he emptied shotgun rounds into the tank's face. On the opposite side, NotHikaru was using the hunting rifle to its full extent. The tank hadn't even touched the pair before it began its slow descent to the ground.

"Yaaaaay," they cheered apathetically. Meanwhile the computerized Bill was picking up a shaky Pres1A.

"Tell me that was the last one of _those_," he whimpered.

"Sure," said Kaoru.

"In this level," said Hikaru.

"Ah…." At that point, Kazukiyo essentially became catatonic. Kaoru, clicking his tongue half-kindly, half-mockingly, guided the poor boy towards the lift. "Jump up, and we'll start the machine!"

As soon as the button was pushed, though, screams echoed through the open area. "Are you ready?" the twins asked ominously, reloading their guns as they slowly ascended to the roof. Then the zombies poured in.

"GYYAAAAAAAH!" The class representative pulled out his machine gun and started to fire at will, taking out a zombie here and there as if by accident. Of course, the one bullet that Kazukiyo shot true hit the gas station. The explosion, had it taken place in real life, would have been visible from space. His clip finally ran out, and he froze in front of the towering inferno.

"Uh, none of this fire… has to do with me…."

Kaoru glanced over the edge of the lift and saw Bill downed in the raging flames. "Oh well." They darted across the roof, calling for the class rep to follow. Zombies were flooding over the wall, but Kaoru and Hikaru whizzed through them with no problems. Kazukiyo did his best to keep up. Then—

"AAIIIYYEEEEE!"

"What is it _now_?"

"SOMETHING'S ON ME! GET IT OFF!"

Kaoru turned to look and was momentarily stunned. "That… _that_ is a flaming jockey." Then, he shouted, "Hikaru, go!" By then, the special had led Pres1A off the roof, and the boy stumbled on the ground, fighting for balance. NotKaoru was pushing to get to him while, on the rooftop, NotHikaru sniped any common that got too close. At once, Pres1A's head was free.

"Come on! Let's go!" The pair raced to the ladder and scrambled up while Kaoru covered their backs. When they raced by again, Kaoru fell into line after them, sandwiching Kazukiyo in the middle. They made it across and were through to the warehouse, making near-miraculous saves along the way.

"Duck, Hikaru!"

The yelping of a hunter echoed as a body flew away, its head snapping back from a bullet.

"Kazukiyo, dammit, hurry!" NotKaoru meleed back a boomer and shot it before it had a chance to spew.

"AAAAAAAUUGHH!" Kazukiyo fired blindly at a spitter as it fled the scene, taking it down as the clip emptied.

The trio finally found a safe corner to regroup. Panting heavily (for some reason), Hikaru suddenly grinned. "Not bad, rep! You were pretty admirable back there!"

"You… you really think so?"

"Of course!" the twins cheered. They had honestly expected him to die almost immediately after the computer had. "Now, to the sewers."

They made their way down the stairs and got to the manhole. Bill, having been in a nearby closet, was also with them. "Okay, who first?"

"Let's all go together. It will be better that way."

"Fine."

They counted to three and dropped down together, suspiciously casting their flashlights about. The sound of crying echoed down the tunnel.

"Do you hear that?" asked Kazukiyo shakily.

"That's not you?" the others asked boredly.

"N-no, of course not! Are there other survivors in this game?"

Kaoru and Hikaru exchanged malevolent looks before immediately springing into their designated parts.

"If that not you then… no, it _can't_ be!" Kaoru breathed. "We can't have one so early!"

"One of what?"

"I'm afraid so, Kaoru," Hikaru answered gravely. "Everyone, flashlights off!"

"One of _what_?!" the class representative pressed as he fumbled to turn off the light.

Although Kazukiyo wasn't there to appreciate them, more tears sprang up in Kaoru's eyes. "How will we ever survive? It's so horrible! Hikaru, what shall we do?"

"I'll think of something, Kaoru. Please, don't worry." On-screen, Francis and Zoey moved together in a pitiful example of an embrace. Unfortunately, Kazukiyo was a little too distraught to notice.

"ARE WE GOING TO DIE HERE?! WHAT IS IT? OH GOD _PLEASE_!"

NotKaoru crept along in front of the survivors, scanning every which way for the crying girl, although it was becoming harder and harder to hear her over Kazukiyo's chattering teeth.

"There!" A huddled red mass, rocking back and forth, hovered in the doorway that they needed to go through.

"I-i-i-it's a girl? Heh heh… no p-problem, right?"

"Shhh!" Hikaru hushed, as if the game could hear them. "Don't move a muscle! That's a witch."

"WHAT?!"

Both twins hissed for silence.

Then, "I'll go."

"No! Hikaru, she'll kill you!"

"KILL?!"

They ignored him. "Better me than any of you. Once I start shooting, run. I'll"—Francis took a brave step forward, reloading his gun—"meet you on the other side…."

"Hikaru, _no_!"

Francis and Zoey embraced again on-screen. Hikaru then took a deep breath. "One… two… THREE!" He began to fire with his shotgun at the witch's head. She rose, shrieking as loudly as the class rep, and then her cries faded as she fell to the ground all in one motion.

"All done!" the twins cheered, sauntering past the dead body.

Pres1A didn't move. "Wha—THAT WAS IT?!"

The twins were already weaving through the sewer tunnels. When they got to the foot of the ladder, they paused. Kazukiyo and Bill caught up a moment later. "So what now?"

"We're almost done with the level," Hikaru said.

Kaoru continued, "Once we get to the top, just run inside the hospital, okay? I'll throw a pipe bomb to distract the common."

"Are there usually a lot?" the class rep gulped.

"Yeah. If there aren't any around… you should probably watch out…."

"Uh, why? …Wait, _DON'T TELL ME_—"

"Because they're might be another tank," the twins sang.

"NOOOOO!"

Fortunately, there wasn't, and they all made it to the safe room without incident. It happened to be the first level that Kazukiyo had finished without dying, and he rather enjoyed keeping the supplies that he had found in the last level. "That pipe bomb was cool!" he cheered. "I can't wait to use mine!"

Together, the three of them reloaded their guns and healed before they moved through the first few floors of the hospital. Their meanderings led them to an elevator.

"Everyone, reload and get ready. We'll hold out here," Hikaru announced, grabbing ammo for his gun.

"Ready," Kaoru and Kazukiyo said gravely.

Hikaru pushed the button.

It was then that Kazukiyo had a relapse. "Wait, so explain this to me…. I'm guessing the aliens are only coming out of here?" Pres1A was pointing at the deserted hallway. "T-that's not so bad…."

And then the zombies came from _everywhere_. "GAAAAAAHHH! WHAT DO I DO? _WHAT DO I DO_?!" He had obviously begun button-mashing, as Louis looked as if he were seizing on the screen. Then, as if by magic, the pipe bomb was out. Silently, the three watched it ricochet off the walls furiously, to and fro, finally coming to a rest… right at everyone's feet.

"YAAAAH!"

It exploded immediately, killing a mountain of zombies with it.

"I'M SORRY!" Kazukiyo burst. The blast had managed to kill Bill as well.

"Never mind that, the elevator's here! Let's go!"

They rushed in, grabbing ammo along the way — Kaoru closed the door — and it was quiet.

"Whew!" they all breathed together.

Pres1A began to melee the air. "That was SO AWESOME!" he cheered. "I never knew something so scary could be so much fun!"

"Yeah… scary…" the twins agreed half-heartedly. Kazukiyo had almost brought down the entire team in one go. They didn't even want to think about the damage he'd cause during the finale.

"So how much longer to the safe room?"

"We have to run through the roof-top construction," the twins said. "Just stick close to us."

"That doesn't sound too… bad…."

The doors had opened, and about ten zombies craned their necks to look at the trio. Then, just like vultures, they all swarmed.

"Run!" Hikaru shouted.

They burst into action, shooting, meleeing and scrambling forward.

"Boomer!"

NotHikaru made quick work of it.

"Behind you!"

NotKaoru killed a smoker before it latched onto Pres1A. They could hear a witch's subdued sobbing as they rounded one of the final corners.

"CHAINSAW!"

The roar of the chainsaw's engine drowned out her blood-curdling screams. NotKaoru sawed her in half while the others tore past. "Safe room! Go!"

They burst through the safe room door, Kaoru right after Kazukiyo, and a spitter turned to greet them.

"AAAAAAAAHH!" She managed to get them with a patch of acid before Kaoru brought her down. Kazukiyo was screaming to Hikaru, "THE DOOR IS LAVA! THE DOOR IS LAVA!"

Hikaru responded by whipping out the chainsaw once again. He crouched and began spinning in a circle with the engine revving, laughing maniacally as blood splattered his screen. Over the din, Kaoru heard Kazukiyo whisper to himself, "_So… scary_…."

When the acid patch finally cleared, NotKaoru scrambled into the room and slammed the door shut. "That was ridiculous!" he panted, half-laughing. Just to prove his point, the screen flashed up that he alone had killed 148 zombies and had done all of the damage to the witch. In comparison, Kazukiyo had killed a total of 15 zombies.

"Fif… fifteen?" The twins couldn't find any other words to say about that.

"Wow, I'm getting so good!" the boy cheered. He was so naively excited, they let it slide. When the scene opened in the last safe room, the twins called for Kazukiyo's attention. "This is the last level," they told him calmly. "We're going to go on the roof of the hospital and hold out while a helicopter comes to save us. When we say that the chopper is here, you run to it, got it?"

"Well what if you—"

"_You run to the chopper_," they emphasized together. Then they opened the safe room door before Kazukiyo could even freak out about it. The hallway to the elevator shaft was relatively empty, so they searched the rooms for supplies.

"Oy, rep, grab this adrenaline. You'll need it."

"And this crowbar will be nice to have if there's a horde." Obediently, Kazukiyo picked up the items and followed them upwards, to the rooftop. They took out the visible zombies and clambered down towards the radio. Hikaru responded before leading the group to the rooftop.

"We'll hold out over there"—he motioned to a rooftop to the right of them, connected by a large pipe—"so grab ammo and whatever else we can use."

"There were some gas cans close to the landing pad," Kaoru supplied, "as well as some propane tanks and gas cans downstairs."

"Right."

The twins began to gather them, working together seamlessly. Kazukiyo, on the other hand, darted around, trying to get his hands on his own gas can. "Wait, why do you get all of them? Can this one be mine?!"

But it was too late — the twins had already made a neat pile of hellfire in the back of their hold-out. "Rep, watch this stuff. We're going to search for more supplies, okay?"

"Ah, okay." Pres1A, after a few attempts, managed to hop up to the top of the building. "Oh hey, pipe bombs!"

In the meantime, Kaoru and Hikaru scoured the rooftops, killing any stray zombies and collecting more flammables. "I think this is the last gas can," Kaoru said as he turned… only to mutely watch Pres1A grab a pipe, cross the rooftop and throw it to the rooftop below before acquiring a new bomb and repeating the process. Hikaru had just caught sight of it as well. He asked, "Uh, rep… what are you doing?"

"Killing all the aliens!"

"Idiot," they groaned together, "the finale hasn't even started yet. We need those!" As they said it, the last pipe bomb left the boy's fingers, finishing off the final four zombies on the lower rooftop.

Pres1A was frozen. "You… you mean that…."

"There will be a lot more than that when we radio for the chopper," Kaoru and Hikaru affirmed, their mutual shrug evident in their voices.

If there were an onomatopoeia for the noise that Kazukiyo made after that announcement, it would be _despair_.

"Ready? Three, two, one…!" Hikaru pressed the button.

"_Okay, we're on our way! ETA fifteen minutes!"_

The tell-tale cry of the zombies signalled their arrival, and that was when everything went straight to hell. Neither Hikaru nor Kaoru could have foreseen how utterly disastrous the finale would be. They managed to hold off the first wave rather well, but when zombies began to climb up the back wall, Kazukiyo panicked. He killed the wave with a spurt of machine gun fire, but he also managed to hit the gas cans.

"I'M SO SORRY! AAAAAAAHH!" Pres1A was basically burning alive.

"_Move_!" Francis and Zoey leapt off the roof, and Bill followed after picking up the incapped Louis, who was still crying out apologies. They managed to hold out on the main level, and when the fires died down, they all hopped back on top.

"Where are all the aliens?" Kazukiyo asked desperately. "Is it almost over?"

The screen started to rumble in answer. "Here comes the first tank."

"_FIRST_ ONE?!" It jumped down from the rooftop to the left, and the twins scrambled, leaving Kazukiyo in the dust. "HEY WAIT!"

He bumbled off the roof right into the tank's face, which he reflexively meleed. Everything stopped.

"Uh, did you just punch the tank?"

On the other end of the line, he was positively blubbering. At once, the tank smacked him across the screen. "YAAAAAAAHHH!"

The twins began to unload their guns into the tank from a safe distance, letting Kazukiyo take the brunt of the hits. Finally, the tank went down.

"Back to the roof!"

"I-I CAN'T!" They turned to see Bill painstakingly healing the boy while he was spinning in circles, trying to get free.

"Just get up here as soon as you can!" Then the first wave came, drowning out Kazukiyo's soft sobbing. They watched him fire wildly into the crowd, at one point taking down Bill himself. Then, suddenly, he was swinging a crowbar.

"I'M OUT OF BULLETS!" he yelped. Hikaru responded by lobbing a pipe bomb to the right.

"Jump up!" There was a pause in activity in which the boy scuttled to the top. "Are you alright?"

"P-p-perfect." They heard the scream of the second horde. "Um, does crouching make a crowbar more accurate?"

"…We're all going to die," Kaoru and Hikaru muttered together.

The wave hit them, but between Hikaru's shotgun blasts and Kaoru's sniping, the two managed to keep a large portion of the zombies at bay. In the meantime, Kazukiyo was swinging wildly at their backs, holding off any stragglers that tried to attack from behind. The rush came to an end and Kaoru straightened. "Okay, this is the final tank, rep. Once it's down, run to the helicopter pad as fast as you can."

The screen trembled and he audibly gulped. "Okay."

All of them dropped to the ground, watching for the tank as it approached. "There!" Hikaru shouted, and the others whirled to find it approaching. The older twin was already emptying his shotgun into the monster's face. It punched him across the screen.

"Hikaru!"

"Don't worry about me!"

"AAAUGGH! SOMETHING'S GOT ME!" Kaoru, torn, went to rescue Kazukiyo from the charger. When he picked him up, the boy yipped. "Hey, my screen's only black and white! What's wrong?"

"Oh God."

"Kaoru!" Hikaru suddenly shouted. "I'm down!"

"Coming!" Kaoru made a mad dash for his brother—but the tank was still alive, and rapidly approaching Kazukiyo.

The twins began to shout to him. "Use it! Use the adrenaline! Hurry!"

"GOT IT!" the boy screamed back.

To Hikaru, lying incapped on the ground, it appeared to happen in slow motion. Kaoru had been reviving him when he caught a glimpse of Pres1A flying across the screen, crowbar in hands, charging the tank with all of his might. "FOR HIKARU!" he was screaming, and he landed a solid blow with the crowbar across the monster's face.

The tank sank to its knees before falling dead at Kazukiyo's feet.

"…Wait, seriously?" Hikaru groused.

"No time! The chopper! Go!" shouted Kaoru. The three of them moved simultaneously, scrambling for the helicopter pad just as it was pulling up. "Jump in!"

Kazukiyo was first on, then Hikaru right behind. Kaoru jumped—and suddenly he was being dragged backwards. "Smoker!"

"Kaoru!" Hikaru pulled out his magnum and killed it immediately. "Hurry!"

Again, NotHikaru made a mad dash for the chopper. "Boomer!" he yelled, but he shoved it out of the way and ran past unscathed, sniping it over his shoulder. At that time, a rock crashed into him from the right side, momentarily halting his progress. "The tank's here!"

"KAORU NOOOOO!" the rep sobbed.

"Just run!"

He scrambled forward while Hikaru distracted the tank from the chopper. Kaoru leapt — and the cut scene began.

"Thank God," the twins sighed, worn out. They watched the credits roll. Unsurprisingly, Bill had not survived the finale (he'd died in every round). "Do you guys want to play another one?" Kazukiyo asked excitedly. "I-I think I could take it! It's not so scary after all!"

The mental image of Kazukiyo floundering through the sugar mill in Hard Rain made both of the twins shudder. "Sorry, but we have to go," they lied. "We'll talk to you later, rep." Quickly, they turned off their Xboxes and turned to face each other.

"Now what?" they asked.

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I completely sympathize with Kazukiyo. His scaredy-cat attitude is mine in a nutshell. I don't like watching scary commercials either. ;-; Anyways, please review! Hope you enjoyed.


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